Dear Journal Letter (a casually long update)

Dear Journal,

I've been wanting to write but I've had all kinds of thoughts running through this mind of mine. Topics ranging from how I'm going to teach Lewis and Clark to 1st and 2ND graders in our co-op to Suzuki piano becoming more Traditional to the definition of apostasy. You see, how could you possibly come up with a sensible post? My days go from good when I'm caught up with my laundry and the downstairs is organized and tidy to a poem that describes my heart is heavy and I need to take my cares to the Lord. And yet in all this storm raging within me, I find my Savior cares so much for me.

Co-op has been good this year considering I have 3 children to home school and toddlers to keep me busy. The prep time for this one hour class hasn't been hard and I've really enjoyed teaching them. I'm sharing our teaching with another dear mom who I'll alternate every 7 weeks with. So two more turns of mine and then she'll have to do the prep work, at least for 7 weeks. We've learned so far about what an explorer is, Marco Polo, C. Columbus, H. Cortes, and Capt. Cook. I've learned a few things along the way. I've been reminded of a few things -those being that greed is a great motivator and inflicter of sorrow, that perseverance and good workmanship brings forth great things, and that there is a great will to live beyond the mundane.

Music has lately troubled my heart torn by what I feel would be most appropriate and an excellent teacher who has a different opinion than I. We began Suzuki piano when my little boy was 5. If I had to do it all over again, I would have waiting till he was 7. He has had good piano theory and very good ear training. But alas, we are moving to a more traditional approach. We
have decided to drop the Suzuki Vol. 2 book and pay more emphasis on his reading. His teacher is really a good teacher and has the better in mind for him. But the Suzuki method, I feel requires more time than I have to give now, plus I want his reading to progress further on. She wants him to have the freedom to untimidly move about the keyboard, to be able to feel the music. Who would know that this would be such an issue in my heart, to play by ear or read the music? She has began to introduce an option that I'm beginning to see as a wonderful compromise. He's in the process of memorizing A Gift to Be Simple and Kumbayah after the fact that he can play them both fluently by reading the music.

It seems that it has been so long since I've spoken to anyone about Apostasy, that I kind of forgot the exact meaning of the word. I had to look it up in the dictionary. I knew it either meant someone who was saved and left the truth or I was thinking it might be someone who knew better and was teaching false doctrine. Turns out that it was someone leaving the truth.
I read 1st and parts of 2ND Peter along with Jude today. The thoughts that stuck in my mind was the dog going back to its vomit, and having been better not to have known of the truth and left it since the end of apostasy is worse.
I'm not a believer that once you're saved - you're always going to be saved. I believe you can walk away from God. I also believe someone who has genuinely been born again will have quite a time leaving the Savior. For He will not easily let you go. He tugs at your heart through His Spirit. But His Spirit can only be grieved so long. That makes apostasy ever so sadder I think.
I've been thinking about that and the parallel of marriage came into my mind. Salvation is like that vow of marriage. Perhaps they forget their first love. It is a decision to stay married. A decision to be faithful to the groom. A choice made out of love for Him who first loved me. When you break the vow, you've committed adultery and unless you make things right with the groom, you are an adulteress. The Bible tells us about no adulterers entering into Heaven. Or perhaps it was idolatry or.....
The prophet Hosea comes to mind. He loved Gomer yet she would not.
This apostasy that I speak about could happen to me, to my heart. Would I go back to the heart I had previously to coming to Christ? I could if my heart gets hard. I could if my eyes waxed dull. I could if my love turns to other and I forget the Savior. And the scary thing is that it all could happen and I could remain in church. A waterless cloud with no savour, with withered fruit that has no roots, or perhaps I could leave it all and start over -but that I don't know how to do. For how would I erase the feeling of His presence or face life all be myself again. It could happen, and if it did, mark that I would be what is called an Apostate.